Sweet Pea

Today is the day I should be holding my second baby in my arms.  I never publicly shared that I miscarried in January.  I am fairly private about the hard things in life, and try to keep my blog my happy place.  But today is my “due date” and it is hard.  While I grieve today and long for the day I get to mother another child, I also choose to celebrate today.  We had a second, extremely early miscarriage this summer.  So early I would have never known without taking early tests.  Two of our close friends knew for the two days we did.  My friend sent me this message after telling her that the pregnancy was not going to stick:   “We're really sorry.  We love you guys, and I'm glad we got to celebrate what you had even for a little while.”  For me, it was the most perfect words.  There was life worth celebrating.  And today we celebrate our Sweet Pea.  If you will remember my “Dear Baby” book I made for Levi, these were written for our Sweet Pea.  

I cannot wait to grow sweet pea flowers in our garden next year.  Apparently, it is a flower that cannot be bought out of season even if you are willing to pay a lot.  I really wanted a huge bouquet of sweet peas today, but a few (terribly over priced, unrealistic) artificial ones will have to do.

PS Again, I know my blog is not a serious one per say, but since we are on the subject, I pulled this list of do’s and don’ts from an online forum I frequent.  I know it is hard when you know someone to experience a miscarriage.  You do not know what to say or do.  Trust me I have been there.  Often we end up saying the wrong things or ignoring the situation all together.  The items below hit home with me (because all those “don’ts” were said to me), but everyone’s experience is different.  I recommend if you have a close friend who goes through this to be honest and ask them what they need from you.  Don’t ignore them during this time of pain. 

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. (And from me, I do not believe it is God's will for us to suffer and for babies to die.)

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. 

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If I had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. 

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? 

-Most of all, don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. 

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. 

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. 

-Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." 

-Do send flowers or a kind note - It makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. 

-Do understand if I do not attend baby showers /birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

- If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it.

-Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Love you all and thanks for sticking with me!